Interview on Relationship and Marriage: Dr Judy Pinto, Derebail | Part 2
Dr Judy Pinto, Derebail, Mangalore
11) Why teenagers have the mindset that sex completes their love in relationships?
Not all teenagers have this kind of mindset. A few, if they feel this way may have their own reasons. What I presume is, curiosity to experience sometimes what they watch in videos, films. Not being aware of the conatations, or peer pressure, or urgency (no patience to wait till the marriage) or mutual consent easily available, or may be to brag about it, or in rare cases the girls could agree in order to get luxuries of life.
Please note: sometimes, especially boys may just brag about it without even having sex. But I would like to tell you, sex before marriage is not ethical according to me. It may result in scars, humiliation for life. Keep sex as sacred, only with your partner, and after marriage.
12) How to get out of a toxic relationship?
“A toxic relationship is when you’re not engaging in self care” says Greer. A few signs of toxic relationship are: one feels drained; all take no give, lack of trust, constantly judging, persistently unreliable, hostile atmosphere and so on… This kind of relationship may negatively impact your mental health. It can make you feel insecure too. It may lead to psycho somatic symptoms.
Before “getting out” of a toxic relationship let’s find the way to fix it. Because some relationships like parent-child, husband–wife, siblings or any other important relationships have to be saved with lots of efforts. A toxic relationship could be fixed if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self reflection and possibly with professional help.
First of all one must acknowledge that he/she is in a toxic relationship. When you are sure that this relationship makes you lose your peace of mind you can think of getting out of it. Establish clear boundaries between you and your partner, don’t allow invading your life nor allowing them to control you. Communicate with your loved ones, whom you trust, for moral support. Start taking care of yourself, do small little things that make you feel good, love yourself. Finally seek the help of a professional counselor or a therapist.
13) How can one gain stability of mind during the hormonal changes during puberty?
When puberty begins, the body starts producing sex hormones. Due to hormonal changes body growth happens and this being a new thing, both boys as well girls find it difficult to manage. There are emotional aspects too. Parental guidance plays an important role here.
A few other things may help you to handle those bad moods may include:
– Recognise that you are not alone, everyone goes through this stage in life (may experience differently)
– Talk to people whom you trust-friends, parents, teachers, counselor.
– Get enough sleep, getting adequate rest helps.
– In case you are feeling irritable, angry, ‘catch your breath’ or do something that lets you settle down.
– Exercise – Regular exercises like walk, run, skip, tennis, riding your bike etc. help reduce stress and improves your mood.
– Be creative – get involved in some kind of a project, art work, writing or any such creative activity. It will divert your mind and ease your mood.
14) Tell us the difference between love, lust and infatuation?
All these involve feelings but they are not same.
So… what’s the difference?
Lust: According to Wikipedia, lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. This means that it is merely a physical attraction that pushes you to seek sexual gratification, in the case of ‘lust towards a person’ because you can also experience lust towards an object or other things. As teenager it is extremely common to confuse love with lust. Lust speaks like this. “You are so beautiful. I want to make you mine”
Infatuation: It is the state of being ‘carried away’ by unreasoned passion. It’s little above lust because it’s not about sex or physical appearance only. Raw passion towards someone, you fancy him/her, feel butterflies in the stomach.
This phase usually lasts from one to six months, but can last as long as two years or as short as 2 days. Take it easy in this stage. This is when common sense or sound judgement, do not cooperate.
What you see in Bollywood or Hollywood movies… most of the time is infatuation. In short, infatuation is ‘an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for something or someone’.
Love: I feel it’s difficult to define love or how it feels. Many poets or writers have tried this in futile because love looks different to different people. Some even say ‘you’ll just know when it happens’. Love is a connection between two souls (soul mate). Love feels good because it is reciprocated. You don’t have to chase after it because it happens naturally, but then, you have a responsibility to nurture it. Their happiness becomes your happiness, you don’t force the other person to be with you all the time’ love makes you selfless. Love is enslaving but it’s also liberating.
15) Is possession a strong aspect of love?
It is necessary to distinguish between ‘love’ and ‘possession’. In love there’s trust, willingness to share, comfort and space for each individual that makes up a couple. In possession (possessiveness), there’s jealousy, selfishness and distrust on behalf of the possessive and there’s no freedom or peace for the other party. This kind of relationship leads to doom, total destruction.
Initially, possessiveness is interpreted as a sign of love (she loves me so much, doesn’t like me talking to any of my classmates (girls) etc.) but when it becomes a persistent and negative trait, you begin to see cracks in the relationship.
You can name it ‘obsession ’too. It could be confused for great love, when in reality is just an ailment of the mind that keeps the person emotionally and mentally enslave to someone else with the overwhelming desire to own another person, with an inability to accept rejection or failure.
16) “Marriage is a bond that lasts forever”. Is it true in the present era?
Marriage is a sacred bond. It is the process through which two people make relationship public, official, and permanent. It joins two people until to death. In fact, this applies to ‘all times’. But in the present era we see more failures in marriages than before. Maybe this prompted you to ask this question.
Yes, in most of the marriages both partners have jobs now, there’s increased pressure. Social media and technology plays a role too. Egos clash. We will discuss about a few things here so that the couples avoid these and live their ‘bond of marriage ‘happily.
- Overstepping boundaries
- Lacking communication
- Wandering focuses
- Emotional disconnection
- Fighting about money
- Lack of appreciation for one another
- Losing interest in sexual intimacy
- Interference of technology
- Lack of trust
Avoiding these faults is important in the present scenario to live “happily ever after”
17) What are some common causes of stress in marriage?
While marriage can be a wonderful and fulfilling experience, no lifelong commitment is likely to run smoothly at all times, we all agree with this right? Life can be full of ups and downs which can challenge the strength of one’s marriage.
Finances can easily become a source of stress. Issues like unemployment, bills, mortgages, childrearing expenses, could be a source of worry and as a result the relationship can be under pressure.
Work commitments your job can demand a lot of you. Pressures at work, requiring spending time away from the family, can create havoc. You may end up being lonely. In the present time if both the partners are ambitious, would lead you to more stress.
Children Having children can be one of the most wonderful experiences in life, however parenthood also can put a strain on a marriage. Deciding when to have children itself can cause stress, if one is not ready yet. The birth and rearing of a child expects change in lifestyle. Fertility issue, miscarriages if any, children born with special needs- all these can add stress.
Difficult behaviours All these above could increase difficult behaviours in one or both the partners. This can cause aggressiveness, withdrawal, being secretive or argumentative – all end up in stress for both. Someone can start destructive behavior such as drinking, self medicating, drugs or gambling.
Couples have to spend time together, being attentive to each other, communicating in a fruitful way.
18) How to deal with a long distance relationship?
Long distance relationship in marriage started long ago like husband\wife being in gulf, Israel which is spread to other countries on the globe now. It is ideal for any couple to stay together and face the ups and downs in a marriage. Before mentioning how to deal with it, let’s see a few problems the couple would encounter, viz: Miscommunication is the most important. Added to this is loneliness, jealousy, drifting apart, not being able to give time to each other. These things could end up in ‘trust issues’.
Having said this, in unavoidable circumstances when couples have to stay apart, they have to go an extra mile to keep their wedding look happy and healthy. They can remember “In true love the smallest distance is too great and the greatest distance can be bridged…”
Couple can avoid ‘excessive communication’; it is unwisely to be possessive. You both can see it as an opportunity. See it as a test of your love. As a Chinese proverb goes, ‘real gold is not afraid of the test of fire’. Couples can set some ground rules to manage your expectations. Both need to be clear with what you expect of each other.
Try to communicate regularly and if possible creatively. Now social media comes very handy for you. Make visits whenever possible.
19) What are the common problems seen in marriages and what are the immediate steps required?
Let’s first of all understand that there are ‘no’ perfect marriages. Ups and downs are bound to happen because none of us are perfect.
I have mentioned earlier about a few difficulties in marriage. To add further on, what we normally believe that marriage is all about ‘love’ is not true. That mad streak of love will fade away, Sexual intimacy lessens, you are pre-occupied with other people’s needs (especially when you have kids or ailing parents etc.), you don’t spend quality time together the list can go on…
The immediate step is known about your marriage, work towards your marriage, it doesn’t remain happy without any ‘efforts’. Do an ‘in-home’ marriage exam. Figure out how to solve problems, you’ll get clues.
Work on yourself. Most of the time as a counselor I have noticed couples blaming each other. When they agree to see themselves, then they are ready to change, the other partner also responds.
For this we need maturity. Let’s keep our egos aside. It’s not a ‘boxing match’. In marriage ‘win-win’ helps.
20) What are the 5 golden rules that every couple must know to make their marriage a successful one?
(Smile) dear friend, after discussing so much on relationship as a couple you are now well equipped to frame your ‘golden rules for your ‘successful marriage ‘right?
- Accept your spouse as he\she is.
- Understand your spouse verbally and non-verbally.
- Avoid ‘projection’ of yourself on your spouse.
- Marriage is ‘togetherness’. Always make an attempt to work, play, eat, pray and sleep together.
- Encourage and appreciate each other.
Counselor’s note: find your own 5 golden rules and apply.
Here Part 2 of Interview on Relationship and Marriage by Dr Judy Pinto gets over. Part 3 will be soon published on this site. Meanwhile you are free to ask questions on the topic Interview on Relationship and Marriage in the comment section below. Dr Judy Pinto will answer them for you in the upcoming interview. Do share and hit on the like button! Thank you! and keep visiting Hideshade.com