Interview on Relationship and Marriage: Dr Judy Pinto, Derebail | Part 1
Dr Judy Pinto has done her MA in Political Science, MA in Hindi, MSc in Applied Psychology and PhD. in Hindi. She was the Former Vice-Principal and a Retired Prof in Dept. of Hindi, St. Aloysius College [Autonomous] Mangalore. She has won several awards and prizes. She has been the resource person for more than 600 programmes. Dr Judy Pinto is well known for her Creative Writing. Currently she works as a part time counselor at St Aloysius Pre University College, Mangalore. Recognising her achievements and her vast experience in various fields, Hideshare.com has taken her interview which is as follows.
1) Dr Judy Pinto, tell us about yourself?
I’m a resident of Derebail parish, Mangalore. Teacher by profession, retired in 2016 after 41 years of experience in Gerosa English primary school and St Aloysius College. (last 5 years served as a Vice principal too). At present as a counselor helping children, youth, married couples, women. Also working as a part-time counselor in St Aloysius PU College. Of course managing household duties along with addressing different groups on different occasions.
2) Tell us about your experience as a counselor.
Counseling has been my passion (after retirement from teaching became my profession too). I started counseling in 1992 soon after a basic counseling course of 10 days by an expert Dr Thomas Vadaya. Then onwards till today I read books connected to Psychology or Counseling which have helped me to gain knowledge of some techniques too. In 2007 I completed MSc in Applied Psychology.
All these years my experience with my clients is very fruitful. When they cooperated fully and especially they wanted to be ‘peaceful and happy’ they benefited most. My sentence is “Everyone has a right to be happy” believe me, happiness is within us.
Another important aspect one must keep in mind is ‘some problems may not have solutions’ (Eg: death) We learned how to manage them effectively. (I often speak about the ‘serenity prayer’). Just now, I’m mostly dealing with the teenagers.
3) Can you tell us what exactly does relationship mean?
Relationship basically is ‘connection’- between two individuals, individual and the group or between groups. We are born in a family so we have family relationships which include ‘blood relationships’, then it extends to the society where we build friendships, professional relationships, casual relationships etc. On the whole we have a number of relationships to live and manage.
Your topic includes love relationships, romance, marriage and so on, which has to be dealt with utmost care as with the other relationships. Relationships need to be ‘handled with care’.
4) How to build trust in a relationship?
Trust is not built overnight; human beings take time to build trust in each other. Trust might be built in different relationships differently. Since we are speaking about love relationships I feel one must be trustworthy and one must have the ability to trust other. Partners first of all should know each other for these both have to be vulnerable gradually. Both must learn to express their feelings, remember the role of respect in relationships, be willing to give as well as receive, take risks together and most importantly I feel, say what you mean and mean what you say.
5) According to you what is the right age to fall in love?
My dear friends, why do you have to ‘fall’ in love? (Smile) Falling hurts right? I would advise you guys to “be in love”, “stay in love”, “walk in love”. Anyways let me answer your query… See, you have started loving your parents so early in your life means you know how to love. That means you can “fall” in love at any age provided you are sure that he or she is the one and only person right for you. (How many of you belong to this category???) Are you both committed and sure to sustain your relationship till your marriage?
Here’s the difference. I think many of you often mistake crushes and infatuation with love because both have “intense feelings”. According to one research, the average woman finds her life partner at the age of 25, while for men, they’re more likely to find their soul mate at 28, with half of people finding their “the one” in their twenties.
6) What is true love? What are its signs?
I feel the word “love” itself means ‘true love’. Anyways, if you wish to know a few signs of ‘true love’ may be as follows:
Mutual respect, admiration, care, understanding, never subjecting your loved one to hurt, humiliation or any form of abuse (which includes emotional abuse), Learning to give unconditionally, feeling happy for your partner without a trace of jealousy, making them feel loved and special, Sharing their burdens time to time – the list is endless.
Remember such love is elusive as a butterfly, it takes time to bloom but those who find it, are rewarded with peace and happiness – friends, love is all about my partner not about self.
7) How one should choose a partner?
“Compatibility” is the key word while one looks for a life-partner. A person who treats you with respect, doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do, one who never puts you down, listens to your ideas would be easy to live with.
One can also see a few more attributes like, maturity, openness, honesty and integrity, respect and independence, sense of humour etc.
With all these a few other things which your earlier generation would look forward like family background, Economic stability, religious beliefs, and physical appearance also may be considered. I would like to mention about ‘health conditions’ too.
Finally, you can be great on your own and you can be great with someone else, the choice is personal for each of You.
8) Is it good to share secrets with one’s partner (before marriage)? Why?
It depends right? If you are already in a ‘love relationship’ you would share your secrets most likely. If you are speaking about the arranged marriage, I feel one need not share the secrets before marriage and for that matter even after marriage the secrets of before marriage.
But, every couple must be honest once they tie the knot and committed. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, trust play a huge role in making a marriage beautiful.
9) What are the common problems the youth face in the present day regarding relationships?
You must tell me this. (laugh) hmm, if you ask me about ‘teenagers’, they aren’t mature enough to understand what is love, as I said earlier they totally confuse infatuation for love.
The youth as a whole sometimes are confused while selecting, then committing, sustaining etc. Sometimes the love expressed by them is not reciprocated. There can be communication gap, lack of (or more of) sex education, easy dumping of the partner – all these can cause problems. These days social media too add to their frustration. Family pressures, societal pressures could create problems.
10) If a couple is facing a relationship problem, who is the right person to solve their issues?
Since relationship includes 2 individuals here, there bound to be misunderstandings, misjudgments, misinterpretations there’s a possibility of having some problems.
I suggest a few steps to follow:
Since you have paid attention while selecting your life partner, the first step would be you both sit together and try to sort out issues as a couple. Keep your egos, pride aside and ‘agree to disagree’. This will solve many issues.
The second step may be finding a mediator whom both of you trust. A person who you feel will not take sides, be impartial. This person may be an aunt, uncle, parents, a friend, colleague or a religious leader.
And finally, definitely a counselor. I tell you every issue could be resolved with the willingness of the couple. In the meantime the couple must take care that the issues are not blown out of proportions. Take action in time. My note as a counselor is: you can avoid step 2 and see a counselor right away. The more you delay, you end up being resentful. Moral of the story is: better to resolve issues soon.
Here Part 1 of Interview on Relationship and Marriage by Dr Judy Pinto gets over. Part 2 will be soon published on this site. Meanwhile you are free to ask questions on the topic Interview on Relationship and Marriage. Dr Judy Pinto will answer them for you in the upcoming interview. Do share and hit on the like button! Thank you! and keep visiting Hideshade.com